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I want to heal, I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I don't like lettin' people get around me during the full moon. It ain't really a control thing anymore: I got those instincts tucked in. Naw, it's more of a pride thing. Goin' wolf ain't pretty and it ain't fun. It hurts. It hurts like a son of a bitch, and it's ugly. I'm ugly. Nothing but claws and fur and Gramma, what big teeth you have. It ain't something I wanna share with nobody.

I started lettin' Bee hang around me because she damn near got killed by another wolf one night. First one she'd ever met, 'sides me, and he ripped into her but good. I thought Callahan was gonna fuckin' kill me when he saw her...slayers can heal an' all, but they can still die. Thought o'losin' Bee freaked me out...so I started lettin' her train with me a lil' while I shifted. She needed to know how to fight my kind in that form, it ever happened again.

The Freckles found out 'bout that, and had a thing or two to say about it. After she kicked me down the stairs, o'course. She didn't much like me tellin' her she couldn't stick around when I not only let Bee, but I let her fight me. So after she got done whoopin' my ass, she parked her own right there in front of me and told me she weren't movin' for the rest of the night.

Scared the shit outta me, cause I knew I couldn't get her outta there in time. I was about to change, see...and it didn't matter that I'd changed 'round Bee a blue dozen times. This was Kiki. If I did somethin' to her...she couldn't defend herself, like Bee could.

And as much as Bee means to me? Kiki's a whole different category. You know what I mean.

But you know what happened? Nothing. Not a damn thing.

Except that I figgered out she loves me. She has to. No other way she could see me like that and still want to make love to me when the mornin' come. 

And what's more? I knew her, while I was shifted. Recognized her on a level I never recognized Bee before...I knew her scent and her voice and just the feel of her presence...and it hurt less. Being that way was easier when she was around...just knowing she was there, knowing she loved me.

So she stays with me...every full moon.

I reckon she's good an' stuck with me now. Anybody who could see me like that, an' still want to stick around...well. That there? Is a keeper.

Muse: Max Carter
Fandom: BtVS (OC)
Word Count: 425

Tags:
Current Mood: complacent complacent

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How to make a m_carter
Ingredients:

5 parts jealousy

3 parts brilliance

5 parts leadership
Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little sadness if desired!

Tags: ,
Current Location: living room
Current Mood: irritated irritated
Current Music: Some dancey shit Bee's blasting

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Uh...how about all of it?

...

No, really. All of it.

As in, I don't remember none of it.

Oh, I knows I had one and all, everybody fuckin *has* a childhood. For me, life before I woke up a werewolf is pretty damn fuzzy.

I wonder a lot about what I musta been like. I wonder what my family was like...where we lived. What we did. How I grew up. Hell, what I *looked* like...I reckon that'd be damn weird for most people, not havin any idea what they looked like as a kid. Bee tells me sometimes she gets the feelin I was a fat kid. Those are conversations that usually end with us in a scruff--which she usually wins.

But that's the funny thing. I really can't disagree with her, cause I really can't picture myself as a kid. All I ever been's a grownup. That's a pretty sad kind of existance, I reckon. Bee's got tons of those kinda stories, you know, the ones that start out with 'when I was a kid,' and have a real nice nostalgic an funny ending. Hell, even Pip and Cain and Jules have em, just maybe not as many and they usually were half grown fore they got any good kinda memories...but at least they got em.

Well, I don't got those memories and I don't got those stories. And shit, people wonder why I'm a grouchy son of a bitch.

Muse: Max Carter
Fandom: BtVS/Angel OC
Word Count: 245

Tags:
Current Location: At the diner, on Bee's laptop
Current Mood: cranky cranky
Current Music: Merle Haggard on the jukebox

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Not one to give in to cabin fever. I want to go out, I go out.

Cept on a full moon of course.

That's a different kind of cabin fever, folks. You know, the kind that’s fuckin torture instead of mopey assed boredom.

When I'm like that, every goddamned instinct in me is to hunt. Kill. Find prey, shred the skin, gorge on the hot bloody meat, crunch on and suck the marrow from the bones.

Real pretty picture, ain't it?

That's what I used to do; men, women, kids...I ain't gonna sit here and lie. Some of you hunter types, yeah, you're probably reading this. You think you wanna hunt me down and put an end to my miserable little existence? You're welcome to try, you think you're big enough.

I couldn't stop it then. I barely even fuckin remember what all I did back then. Usually I only knew what I ate cause I puked it up the next day.

I can stop it now. I dunno how I manage it--maybe I just fought it for so long that I beat it back. The wolf. The instinct. But when I shift now, I'm me. I stay me.

Mostly me, at least, cause the instinct? Yeah, it's still there. I still want to hunt, chase, kill, feed.

I probably could, you know. Not humans, but animals. In fact, I used to at first, after I started keeping the brain in my head when I shifted. Killed cats, livestock, possums...then one night a kid came cross my path. 16 or so years old. Pretty little blonde thing. Needless to say I scared her shitless.

She smelled like food, and I damn near lost it.

So ever since then, I don't go out during the moon. I don't let myself hunt; and it ain't easy. Wherever it is I'm squatting? Place gets wrecked. I claw at the walls, the floor, break anything in sight. Cause that fucking instinct is always there.

Bee tries to tell me I'm tamed, but that's a fucking joke. That don't happen and it never will.

Conscience or not, I'm a monster.

That's just how it is.


Muse: Max Carter
Fandom: BtVS/Angel OC
Word Count: 363

Tags:
Current Location: Bee's place
Current Mood: aggravated aggravated
Current Music: That same goddamned song Bee's been singing for days

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What do I need right now? How about to be left alone? That'd make me real damn happy.

Though that right there ain’t a need, that’s a want. Like the man said, you can’t always get what you want.

But really, come on now. You can't come out and ask somebody what they need. Don't nobody know what they need. All we knows what we want. All we are's creatures of want, and want and need don't hardly ever lead to the same place. Too easy to get them confused, see? You want something bad enough seems like you need it. That new car or that little redhead works down the street at the gas station or shoes or...hell for that matter whatever the hell you women folk go off to the store to get one thing of and come back with six bags full of shit. Didn’t need any of it, you just wanted it and convinced yourself you couldn’t live without it, yes Bee I’m talking right at you.

But me, I know what I need, and it ain't what I want. I'm honest about it, see. Least with myself I am.

You, however, don't get to know. So let's just leave it at that.


Muse: Max Carter
Fandom: Buffy/Angel OC
Word Count: 207


Tags:
Current Location: home
Current Mood: apathetic apathetic
Current Music: Stone Temple Pilots - "Big Empty"

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